It is hard putting up the front that everything is easy and great, when so many things just are not! And it does not have to be the fact that I have special needs kids or the fact that my husband works out of town most of the time. It can be something as simple as asking my kids to throw their trash away for the millionth time. Life just goes along until someone snaps....usually me!
Our psychologist agreed with me tonight, that some of the mood swings in my house are purely exhausting...and I am not talking about mine! Just trying to keep Ethan "regular;" trying to maintain peace between brothers that love deeply and fight madly; attempting to get kids to do homework, chores, regular, everyday things....sometimes it is just too much to handle!
So, what do you do? As a responsible parent, that loves their kids, loves their spouse, what are you supposed to do when you are clearly at the end of your rope? I do not always have someone to hand off the responsibilities to, and if I did, would that not just cause me to feel more guilt? I do not expect anyone to do this for me or to take all the "bad things" away. This is the job that I wanted, to be a stay-at-home mom, but sometimes this job sucks!
You just reach a limit...but does that make you a bad parent? Does that mean you do not love your kids?
I think it makes you human...everyone has a limit and mine will be different than anyone else's. Some people may look at my interactions with my kids or at home and wonder why I am so irritable or why I respond the way I do. There is no way to know the answer to that unless you have lived the life I have. It is always a culmination of things, not just one thing.
In the end, the overwhelming love I have for my family will win out, but it is miserable to feel so angry and bitter. I tell myself that I have no reason to feel those things, but yet, those feelings and emotions are real. I know that I have a lot on my plate, people remind me of that constantly, and I try to do the best I can. I worry that I am not doing the best I could, that I should be doing more...My kids don't get the easter egg hunt experience, or the crafts days or special meals with mom. But do they need it to know that Mom loves them? What will determine, in the long run, if my kids will know that despite what you might call a roller coaster of emotions sometimes, that their happiness is and will always be the most important thing to me.